From within

A few of my favorite pictures of Elijah. And then something from a recent journal entry. I feel very vulnerable pulling something from my journal. But felt it appropriate to share with the world. This has been my journey...

Elijah is 5 1/2 months. And I am in a very different place than the last time I wrote. A place of healing - His healing. He does heal our hearts. In His timing.

I've been back at work for almost 3 months now. And they've gone by quickly! And I needed work to lead me to a place of healing. I needed the break. I needed normal, adult interaction. I needed activity. I needed things that challenged my brain and were administrative in nature. I needed stimulation.

The transition honestly wasn't that hard. I did worry some at first - is Elijah napping? Is Gram doing it how we would? Will he still sleep all night through? How will I know when he's ready for the next season, the next stage?

But,it has all worked out. Elijah does nap. Gram is amazing. Still sleeps all night through (and now we're up to 10-11 hours at night). And the seasons come - we just know.

And I am in a much better place. No, I am not at 100%. That will take more time, a new place to live, and just more time. But I would say I'm at 75-80%. I now long to just stay home, even if it means all day, by myself, just me and Elijah. I  no longer have the anxiety that physically makes me shake, makes me weary. I have JOY being with Elijah. All the hard work has paid off. Now he is so much fun!

His personality is really coming out - he is so smiley and content, just about all the time. He is such a good baby. And those cheeks - to absolutely die for. I would do anything for them. And when he's not near, I long to smell him (even the cheesiness), to squeeze those cheeks, and kiss them all over. I long for him.

He rolls over all the time now, so that he can make it across the room if he wants to. He makes all kinds of noises and "sings" little songs all the time. He's on a 4-hour eating schedule and stays awake a lot longer now. He naps better - crying less and waking up content. 

And I love Matt. I couldn't do this without him. No decision is on my own - we succeed together, we fail together. But most importantly, we laugh together. Seriously, couldn't do this without him. And I never want to.

I feel human again (for the most part). I can do it, I can be a part of normal life with a baby. By myself or with Matt. I can do it. Sure, it's harder. Takes more time. Requires more stuff and planning ahead. But hey, I kinda like the need for more organization. 

I do stress more about time now - even though we are still very punctual to everything. I get anxiety - it builds up more, especially as I am waiting on Matt to get out the door. This has always been a problem for me because I feel like Matt is one of the slowest people on this planet. And he knows that. but I get even more anxious now. No, Matt is not any slower. It's just me. Something to work on. 

I feel like God is really teaching me to enjoy the moment, this season. Each season. Everyday, for the longest time, I would wish for the future. "I can't wait until Elijah is 6 months old," or "I can't wait until he moves up to a 4 hour schedule". But the truth is, he will never live his first 5 1/2 months again. And we can never have that time back. And it makes me kinda sad. So, I am living each season. (Granted, it is easier simply because he's older and is a lot more fun and less demanding). And I am also reminded that Elijah is a miracle - truly God's doing.

"Elijah" means "The Lord is God". But a few weeks back, I had a revelation about the meaning of his name in our lives, and why I think God spoke that name, very clearly, to me. Pastor Gabriel was talking about the story of Elijah in the Bible ad how the ravens brought him food. And I realized, "Elijah" is a reminder to us of God's provision in our lives - providing a son, but also the hundred other things. If there has been a theme for our marriage, "God's provision" has definitely been one!

God is so good. He has always provided. In His timing. Always. 

So here's to His timing in this season. And His provision. And to loving each day and each moment I have with Elijah. Because each day he changes, and he can never relive the day before. He's a growing boy, and I want to cherish each step of growth. 

Thank you Lord for healing and changed perspective. And for JOY. 
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And thank you for sharing this journey with me, too.